Every year around this time the pinwheels get planted in the ground on campus. I look forward to seeing the colorful pinwheels but not because they look pretty spinning in the wind. The purpose of these pinwheels is to raise awareness about suicide.
According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention:
- suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States
- each year ~42,773 Americans commit suicide
- each day there are ~117 suicides
Of course, world-wide the number is much larger: approximately 800,000 suicides each year (The World Health Organization). It’s troubling, isn’t it? I’ve been wanting to write about mental health and suicide for years but I’ve kept quiet until now. Even as I write this, I am extremely anxious because there’s still a lot of stigma surrounding mental illness and people are bound to judge me. Oh well.
I’ve been dealing with Clinical Depression for years. My depressive symptoms started appearing as early as nine but I didn’t get a diagnosis until I was 13 years old. I’ve had my fair share of suicidal thoughts. I can’t stress enough how important it is to get help because I don’t think I’d be here if the depression had been left untreated. I really do mean this.
It hurts to think that there are others who have thought the same kind of thoughts as me—wanting the pain to go away, wanting to disappear, wanting to write their own ending. It hurts even more to know that these thoughts took someone’s last breath. I don’t want anyone to die this way. My heart goes out to those who have lost someone to suicide and to all who have attempted or committed suicide.
If you’re in a bad mental state, it can be extremely difficult to admit that you need help or that there is something wrong with you. It’s okay if there’s something wrong with you as long as you realize it and give yourself a chance to live. I think we often underestimate our worth. I sometimes wonder what it would be like if I’d never been born or if I was dead. When I look outside of myself, I can see clearly what a difference I’ve made in people’s lives. I try to keep my thoughts on the ways in which I can inspire others.
I haven’t considered suicide in years. I haven’t self-injured in years. I live a semblance of a “normal” life with medication and art therapy. I’m not ashamed of having mental illness but it’s something I’m not proud of either. It is just a part of my life and I’ve accepted that it is something I have to battle.
I hope this helps someone. Please know that you are not alone. We’re in this together and I hope we can make it through together. Stay strong and keep fighting!
Hanni's Heart & Soul 